Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
