I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
