Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
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the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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