The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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