I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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