i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
