just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
