if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
