The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
