Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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