atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
