It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
