wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
