i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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