I cannot find my penis.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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