I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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