toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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