hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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