Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
