he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
