So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
