Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
