Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How does one acquire holy water?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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