Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
