I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
2020 sucks, I want a refund
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
