Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
