If that was your dad, he is hot
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.