Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??