It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
