A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
