please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
