I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
