her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
