The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
