i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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