I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
