I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Found your dick twin last night
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
