it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
