I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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