I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
