I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
