wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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