its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
