you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
