Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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