I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
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That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize