Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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