I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
