i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
