there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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