I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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