If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
