Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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