She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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