We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
