she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
