I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
wow bdsm is so cute
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