Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
